How Not To
Gore warning: Don't look at the bloody injury pictures unless that's what you want.
Warning warning: Don't do any of this stuff.
Here's a collection of projects that just didn't work and other mishaps.
I'll be adding to this collection as time goes on.
Oh boy. That's for sure.
For starters, here are the impossible rollerskates. Also known as caster skates.
Ian Alexander demonstrates how to use them. Stand up, Move legs, fall down.
To make your pair, just screw some casters to boards and tape them to your feet as shown.
Enjoy!
To see a bunch of tricks that worked better,
check out 50 Handy Tricks
and 40 More Handy Tricks
and Yet More Handy Tricks
and Australian Handy Tricks
and Guatemalan Handy Tricks
and Handy Tricks Volume Six!
Here's a collection of projects that just didn't work and other mishaps.
I'll be adding to this collection as time goes on.
Oh boy. That's for sure.
For starters, here are the impossible rollerskates. Also known as caster skates.
Ian Alexander demonstrates how to use them. Stand up, Move legs, fall down.
To make your pair, just screw some casters to boards and tape them to your feet as shown.
Enjoy!
To see a bunch of tricks that worked better,
check out 50 Handy Tricks
and 40 More Handy Tricks
and Yet More Handy Tricks
and Australian Handy Tricks
and Guatemalan Handy Tricks
and Handy Tricks Volume Six!
Don't Use Witch Hazel on Zits. Don't use U-locks like this.
Someone told me witch hazel was good for curing zits.
I thought I'd try it out and put it on a big one that had formed southeast of my nose.
It killed the zit alright, also the skin around it.
So instead of a zit I had a patch of gangrene on my face that eventually filled with scar tissue.
Maybe that's not a normal effect of witch hazel on defective skin, but I still have the scar from it.
Perhaps the stuff is for preventing zits. I'm too scared to experiment any further.
Oh yeah. That's me locked to Tim McBride, author of "GI Jane".
Yes a U-Lock can be used to do this, but there's no reason to do so.
It's just dumb.
BTW, in case you didn't like the movie you should lobby the studio to release a version
with the real ending.
I thought I'd try it out and put it on a big one that had formed southeast of my nose.
It killed the zit alright, also the skin around it.
So instead of a zit I had a patch of gangrene on my face that eventually filled with scar tissue.
Maybe that's not a normal effect of witch hazel on defective skin, but I still have the scar from it.
Perhaps the stuff is for preventing zits. I'm too scared to experiment any further.
Oh yeah. That's me locked to Tim McBride, author of "GI Jane".
Yes a U-Lock can be used to do this, but there's no reason to do so.
It's just dumb.
BTW, in case you didn't like the movie you should lobby the studio to release a version
with the real ending.
Don't Swing an Adze like an Axe
My people are seriously into axes. Every Christmas my folks gave me a bigger one til I had the biggest one available. Then they started giving me guns. But I digress.
That thing on the right is called an "Adze".
It's a sort of sharp hoe for carving wood. It behaves nothing like an axe.
I spent all morning grinding and shaping a swiss entrenching tool til it looks as you see and was very sharp. Then I went around asking my local wood craft gurus how to use it.
None of them knew so I looked in my Eric Sloane books and started chopping as shown in an illustration there. On swing number three it bounced funny and gashed my foot wide open.
Ever see a reflexology chart? The second picture is an example by Chris Stormer.
When I chopped my foot open, in the split second before the bleeding started I looked deep into the gash in my foot and saw all those lungs and ovaries and things, just like in the drawings.
Then I realized what the Sloane drawings had shown. Those old-timers in the Sloane drawings, they were chopping their feet also!
The final realization was that I was surrounded by people who didn't know how to use this tool, and all I had to do was go somewhere else and watch people doing it right. And that would be a lot safer and cheaper than trying to do it all myself in a state of dangerous ignorance.
"Plane tickets are cheap" I thought. "A lot cheaper than chopping my foot like this."
So I superglued my foot back together and superglued some cloth patches on top to hold it closed.
That worked really well. I only put the superglue on the surface layers of skin, to draw the wound together like stitches. It worked a little too well. I forgot about it and accidentally ripped the patch off a couple of times, re-opening the wound before it was properly healed. More scar tissue.
The photo here shows my foot after the repairs. There were ghastly puddles of blood earlier, and bloody footprints, etc. etc. but I cleaned it up before thinking of a camera.
I went to a bookstore and bought guidebooks, bought plane tickets to the Marshall Islands and rented a room there by email. I learned how to use an adze properly, several different styles.
I've been travelling and documenting Heirloom Technology ever since.
A year or so later a buddy gave me a nice piece of sitka spruce with his dried blood all over it. He'd been carving it into a paddle with an adze and chopped himself. After that he didn't feel like finishing the project or even dealing with that particular piece of wood.
That thing on the right is called an "Adze".
It's a sort of sharp hoe for carving wood. It behaves nothing like an axe.
I spent all morning grinding and shaping a swiss entrenching tool til it looks as you see and was very sharp. Then I went around asking my local wood craft gurus how to use it.
None of them knew so I looked in my Eric Sloane books and started chopping as shown in an illustration there. On swing number three it bounced funny and gashed my foot wide open.
Ever see a reflexology chart? The second picture is an example by Chris Stormer.
When I chopped my foot open, in the split second before the bleeding started I looked deep into the gash in my foot and saw all those lungs and ovaries and things, just like in the drawings.
Then I realized what the Sloane drawings had shown. Those old-timers in the Sloane drawings, they were chopping their feet also!
The final realization was that I was surrounded by people who didn't know how to use this tool, and all I had to do was go somewhere else and watch people doing it right. And that would be a lot safer and cheaper than trying to do it all myself in a state of dangerous ignorance.
"Plane tickets are cheap" I thought. "A lot cheaper than chopping my foot like this."
So I superglued my foot back together and superglued some cloth patches on top to hold it closed.
That worked really well. I only put the superglue on the surface layers of skin, to draw the wound together like stitches. It worked a little too well. I forgot about it and accidentally ripped the patch off a couple of times, re-opening the wound before it was properly healed. More scar tissue.
The photo here shows my foot after the repairs. There were ghastly puddles of blood earlier, and bloody footprints, etc. etc. but I cleaned it up before thinking of a camera.
I went to a bookstore and bought guidebooks, bought plane tickets to the Marshall Islands and rented a room there by email. I learned how to use an adze properly, several different styles.
I've been travelling and documenting Heirloom Technology ever since.
A year or so later a buddy gave me a nice piece of sitka spruce with his dried blood all over it. He'd been carving it into a paddle with an adze and chopped himself. After that he didn't feel like finishing the project or even dealing with that particular piece of wood.
Don't Leave This Product Unattended
That puddle of burned plastic used to be a humidifier made by Honeywell corporation.
That particular model tended to set itself on fire when it ran out of water.
I learned from reading the manual that I wasn't supposed to leave it unattended, or near children.
I had the manual because I'd just bought the unit brand new for about $30.
After filling it with water and plugging it in I foolishly left the room.
See the chop marks on the wall?
The firemen tried to chop a hole in the wall because it was hot.
It was hot because it's the CHIMNEY FROM THE FURNACE.
If they'd chopped harder they'd have found a lot of smoke, and probably run their hoses into the hole, etc. etc.
After the plastic blob cooled and hardened I pried it off the file cabinet. On the bottom it read "Problems with this Product? Call 1-800-.....". I called the number. The woman who answered was relieved that no children had been incinerated this time.
That particular model tended to set itself on fire when it ran out of water.
I learned from reading the manual that I wasn't supposed to leave it unattended, or near children.
I had the manual because I'd just bought the unit brand new for about $30.
After filling it with water and plugging it in I foolishly left the room.
See the chop marks on the wall?
The firemen tried to chop a hole in the wall because it was hot.
It was hot because it's the CHIMNEY FROM THE FURNACE.
If they'd chopped harder they'd have found a lot of smoke, and probably run their hoses into the hole, etc. etc.
After the plastic blob cooled and hardened I pried it off the file cabinet. On the bottom it read "Problems with this Product? Call 1-800-.....". I called the number. The woman who answered was relieved that no children had been incinerated this time.
Battery Drill Danger
A friend was helping me out, drilling some holes in a bench to attach a vise.
She was using a battery drill, the kind with a heavy battery on the base of the handle.
The bit bound in the hole and the drill spun around, whacking her in the head with the battery.
Hard.
Drill presses are famous for swinging things around and hitting people or gashing them, but it hadn't occurred to me that a battery drill could do that too. I guess battery drills are a lot stronger now than they used to be.
She's okay now.
Be Careful.
She was using a battery drill, the kind with a heavy battery on the base of the handle.
The bit bound in the hole and the drill spun around, whacking her in the head with the battery.
Hard.
Drill presses are famous for swinging things around and hitting people or gashing them, but it hadn't occurred to me that a battery drill could do that too. I guess battery drills are a lot stronger now than they used to be.
She's okay now.
Be Careful.
How Not to Sail to Cuba
In 2003 I built an outrigger sailing canoe and tried to sail to Cuba.
My rudder broke when I was somewhere in Cuban waters near Havana and the current carried me away. The wind died entirely and the current continued to carry me away. Then a storm hit and I had to keep swimming around tying my boat back together while the storm kept smashing it.
Then it rained hard and my skin started deteriorating from the fresh water.
I couldn't sleep because my boat was arranged to splash water on me at random intervals, just like water torture.
I started hallucinating due to exhaustion and sleep deprivation.
I spent several days like this. Finally the voices in my sails and the voices in the waves taught me to sail again and I managed to get to Florida.
Read the rest of the story.
My rudder broke when I was somewhere in Cuban waters near Havana and the current carried me away. The wind died entirely and the current continued to carry me away. Then a storm hit and I had to keep swimming around tying my boat back together while the storm kept smashing it.
Then it rained hard and my skin started deteriorating from the fresh water.
I couldn't sleep because my boat was arranged to splash water on me at random intervals, just like water torture.
I started hallucinating due to exhaustion and sleep deprivation.
I spent several days like this. Finally the voices in my sails and the voices in the waves taught me to sail again and I managed to get to Florida.
Read the rest of the story.
How to Hit Yourself in the Head
"Southern Master" demonstrates a Jiujitsu technique that's hard to remember the name of.
That's because right after you hear the name you hit yourself in the head.
There's a row of pressure points along the side of your jaw. There's a another at the top of your temple. Here's how to hit your brain's reset button. It'll make your eyes dilate and make you feel like you've been hit in the head. Don't do it on both sides in rapid succession. You need at least half a brain.
That's because right after you hear the name you hit yourself in the head.
There's a row of pressure points along the side of your jaw. There's a another at the top of your temple. Here's how to hit your brain's reset button. It'll make your eyes dilate and make you feel like you've been hit in the head. Don't do it on both sides in rapid succession. You need at least half a brain.
Don't try to Kitesurf with a Windsurfing Board
A regular surfboard can work for kitesurfing. An original windsurfer is enough like a real surfboard that it can be made to work in light wind.
Other than that, any windsurfer, shortboards, sinkers, floaters, anything with sharp rails and a big fin is all wrong for kitesurfing. It took me about a year of trying really hard to figure that out.
Here's Saul's foot after he stepped on the fin of the windsurfing board I was trying to kite with.
Those windsurfing fins can be really sharp.
The next photo shows the Fat Tadpole, maybe the third windsurfer-derived kiteboard I made. It doesn't work. Read more about these failures and some stuff that did work.
Other than that, any windsurfer, shortboards, sinkers, floaters, anything with sharp rails and a big fin is all wrong for kitesurfing. It took me about a year of trying really hard to figure that out.
Here's Saul's foot after he stepped on the fin of the windsurfing board I was trying to kite with.
Those windsurfing fins can be really sharp.
The next photo shows the Fat Tadpole, maybe the third windsurfer-derived kiteboard I made. It doesn't work. Read more about these failures and some stuff that did work.
Drag and Slide, Don't Step
I was in love with a girl once, so I tried to teach her to kitesurf.
It was a long time ago and we'd only recently learned to do it ourselves.
She was flying a trainer kite on the beach.
Each time she flew the kite through the power zone I had her sit down and drag, or lean back and slide on her feet through the sand. She was doing it well.
I told her again and again, "Don't take steps. Lean back and slide."
You need that friction to slow you down. Stepping while dragging is dangerous.
An expert friend kiteboarded over and offered to continue the lesson while I went for a ride with his kite.
While I was gone she forgot the methods and powerzoned the kite.
She stepped rapidly downwind, twisted her foot, turning it under her, and fell, screaming.
Her leg was bent into a terrible shape, broken.
Imagine being in a lot of pain for a long time.
It took a long time for paramedics to show up. They were rough and we wished we'd moved her ourselves. Here's her leg after the cruel paramedics wrenched it back sort of into a leg shape.
We finally got her to a hospital that could treat broken legs. The doctor wanted to cut her leg open right away. The whole place seemed really incompetent and she insisted on going home with her broken leg to find a doctor who wasn't a freak.
longer longer story, she spent several days with an untreated broken leg, got a metal plate and a bunch of wood screws installed, missed her work trip to Indonesia, etc. etc.
Don't take steps. Just drag. Fly the kite. It's better to flop down and drag on your belly through the sand, as long as you fly the kite. Don't step.
And don't play with kite power on land. That's what "body dragging" is for.
For proper learning methods, look at kitesurfingschool.org
It was a long time ago and we'd only recently learned to do it ourselves.
She was flying a trainer kite on the beach.
Each time she flew the kite through the power zone I had her sit down and drag, or lean back and slide on her feet through the sand. She was doing it well.
I told her again and again, "Don't take steps. Lean back and slide."
You need that friction to slow you down. Stepping while dragging is dangerous.
An expert friend kiteboarded over and offered to continue the lesson while I went for a ride with his kite.
While I was gone she forgot the methods and powerzoned the kite.
She stepped rapidly downwind, twisted her foot, turning it under her, and fell, screaming.
Her leg was bent into a terrible shape, broken.
Imagine being in a lot of pain for a long time.
It took a long time for paramedics to show up. They were rough and we wished we'd moved her ourselves. Here's her leg after the cruel paramedics wrenched it back sort of into a leg shape.
We finally got her to a hospital that could treat broken legs. The doctor wanted to cut her leg open right away. The whole place seemed really incompetent and she insisted on going home with her broken leg to find a doctor who wasn't a freak.
longer longer story, she spent several days with an untreated broken leg, got a metal plate and a bunch of wood screws installed, missed her work trip to Indonesia, etc. etc.
Don't take steps. Just drag. Fly the kite. It's better to flop down and drag on your belly through the sand, as long as you fly the kite. Don't step.
And don't play with kite power on land. That's what "body dragging" is for.
For proper learning methods, look at kitesurfingschool.org
Wreck a Canoe in Surf
I sailed too close to land, the waves caught my canoe and rolled me all the way to the beach.
This is a "folding proa" I sailed along the Yucatan. In this picture it's been reduced to a bag of broken sticks.
I always seem to be able to get out through surf okay, and wreck my boat coming in.
I keep thinking I'll try a drogue to slow me down on the way in, or back in while paddling out though the waves, etc. etc. But when I want to come in I just think how great it would be to come barreling in on a wave, and think maybe it'll work out okay. Sometimes it does.
The second photo shows Nathan Eagle and myself wrecking our canoe in shore break in Kenya.
It's a pretty good little three-board sailing outrigger.
Read the Yucatan Proa story. See the Kenya Canoe Instructable.
This is a "folding proa" I sailed along the Yucatan. In this picture it's been reduced to a bag of broken sticks.
I always seem to be able to get out through surf okay, and wreck my boat coming in.
I keep thinking I'll try a drogue to slow me down on the way in, or back in while paddling out though the waves, etc. etc. But when I want to come in I just think how great it would be to come barreling in on a wave, and think maybe it'll work out okay. Sometimes it does.
The second photo shows Nathan Eagle and myself wrecking our canoe in shore break in Kenya.
It's a pretty good little three-board sailing outrigger.
Read the Yucatan Proa story. See the Kenya Canoe Instructable.
Make a Broken Jar and Drink from it
I've got the Special Forces Bottle-Craft Manual, and I've done lots of reading about cool ways to cut and use jars and bottles.
But somehow it never works for me the way it's supposed to.
So I finally gave up and made my most hated instructable, about what really happens when I try to cut a jar and use it for something else.
How to make Stainless Steel Rust
My friend broke his kiteboard and gave it to me.
When I took the footstraps off I was surprised to see that the threaded inserts were rusty.
It was a very expensive board. Would they really have used plain old rustable steel inserts?
It turns out that you can easily make stainless steel rust.
Some grades of stainless do rust naturally, just not as fast as regular steel.
To make any stainless steel rust just attach a screw or washer that is a higher grade of stainless steel, or any "more noble" metal.
Then when salt water hits it the dissimilar metal stack becomes a weak battery.
The "more noble" metal becomes the cathode and nothing happens to it.
The "less noble" metal rusts and dissolves away.
The same thing happens to aluminum. Near a stainless fastener the aluminum will become pitted and corroded. Aluminum oxide is white, so you'll have to look for it.
Iron oxide is red and easy to spot.
This process only happens when there's an electrical connection between the dissimilar metals as well as a fluid path between them. It happens much faster in salt water than it does in fresh water.
When I took the footstraps off I was surprised to see that the threaded inserts were rusty.
It was a very expensive board. Would they really have used plain old rustable steel inserts?
It turns out that you can easily make stainless steel rust.
Some grades of stainless do rust naturally, just not as fast as regular steel.
To make any stainless steel rust just attach a screw or washer that is a higher grade of stainless steel, or any "more noble" metal.
Then when salt water hits it the dissimilar metal stack becomes a weak battery.
The "more noble" metal becomes the cathode and nothing happens to it.
The "less noble" metal rusts and dissolves away.
The same thing happens to aluminum. Near a stainless fastener the aluminum will become pitted and corroded. Aluminum oxide is white, so you'll have to look for it.
Iron oxide is red and easy to spot.
This process only happens when there's an electrical connection between the dissimilar metals as well as a fluid path between them. It happens much faster in salt water than it does in fresh water.
Bread Shoes
Ever have to go some place that requires shoes?
Victor Brar demonstrates how to use loaves of bread as shoes.
Good warm fresh bread with a chewy crust is well appreciated by the bread shoe connoiseur.
Victor Brar demonstrates how to use loaves of bread as shoes.
Good warm fresh bread with a chewy crust is well appreciated by the bread shoe connoiseur.
Do Your Own Oil Change and Poison Mother Earth
This is a picture of a bucket of old crankcase oil from someone changing oil in their car.
"So what?" you say?
You've just put yourself on the wrong team. Team Earth Poisoner.
It's going to rain. The rain falls in the bucket. Oil floats on water.
The oil spills out onto the ground.
Result: You just dumped your car's oil all over the ground.
You could have done that without making this nice bucket and the stuff under it all dirty also.
The right way to get rid of the oil is to put it in a closed container, write "used oil" on it, and leave it in front of a mechanic's shop in the dead of night while wearing a mask.
They have a tank to dump this stuff in and it's no problem for them.
You say "Please explain how I accidentally poisoned mother earth? Again?"
Oil floats on water. So if you leave a bucket of drain oil from an automobile oil change in the rain, the rain water sinks to the bottom and the oil pours over the top. If the oil has a lot of additives there will be some mixing and you'll get some brownish-grey petro-mayonnaise in your oil spill as well.
My pet peeves include: Other people. They're always doing something wrong.
Because I see this method of disposing of oil so much, I conclude that it doesn't take much technical expertise to change one's own oil. And that not every cheapskate bastard shares my values.
I haven't seen this behavior in poor countries. I think they save the oil and do ingenious things with it.
"So what?" you say?
You've just put yourself on the wrong team. Team Earth Poisoner.
It's going to rain. The rain falls in the bucket. Oil floats on water.
The oil spills out onto the ground.
Result: You just dumped your car's oil all over the ground.
You could have done that without making this nice bucket and the stuff under it all dirty also.
The right way to get rid of the oil is to put it in a closed container, write "used oil" on it, and leave it in front of a mechanic's shop in the dead of night while wearing a mask.
They have a tank to dump this stuff in and it's no problem for them.
You say "Please explain how I accidentally poisoned mother earth? Again?"
Oil floats on water. So if you leave a bucket of drain oil from an automobile oil change in the rain, the rain water sinks to the bottom and the oil pours over the top. If the oil has a lot of additives there will be some mixing and you'll get some brownish-grey petro-mayonnaise in your oil spill as well.
My pet peeves include: Other people. They're always doing something wrong.
Because I see this method of disposing of oil so much, I conclude that it doesn't take much technical expertise to change one's own oil. And that not every cheapskate bastard shares my values.
I haven't seen this behavior in poor countries. I think they save the oil and do ingenious things with it.
The Right Way to Dispose Oil
This the actual right way to do something for a change.
In California, it's super easy to get rid of drain oil from an oil change. Or any other dirty oil.
Take it to any auto parts store and dump it in their recycling tank. Any place that sells oil is required to accept used oil for recycling.
Here's the back room at my local Kragen autoparts store. I come in with several 5 gallon jugs of dirty oil and a bucket of used oil filters.
The staff don't care at all what it is, how much there is, or where it's from.
I dump the filters in their filter barrel and dump the oil in their tank.
The sign says "Take your bags boxes and your containers home and please smile for the camera"
In California, it's super easy to get rid of drain oil from an oil change. Or any other dirty oil.
Take it to any auto parts store and dump it in their recycling tank. Any place that sells oil is required to accept used oil for recycling.
Here's the back room at my local Kragen autoparts store. I come in with several 5 gallon jugs of dirty oil and a bucket of used oil filters.
The staff don't care at all what it is, how much there is, or where it's from.
I dump the filters in their filter barrel and dump the oil in their tank.
The sign says "Take your bags boxes and your containers home and please smile for the camera"
Belt? Suspenders? Bigger Pants?
Remember Sydney in 2004?
Fat was the new thin, and the bare midriff spilling over low cut jeans was THE LOOK.
Here's a dedicated fashion victim walking over one of the magnificent bridges.
Her complicated gait made the traverse an arduous exercise.
The steps went something like this:
1, 2, pull up pants as they fall down,
3, 4, dig them out of butt,
repeat.
Fat was the new thin, and the bare midriff spilling over low cut jeans was THE LOOK.
Here's a dedicated fashion victim walking over one of the magnificent bridges.
Her complicated gait made the traverse an arduous exercise.
The steps went something like this:
1, 2, pull up pants as they fall down,
3, 4, dig them out of butt,
repeat.
Military Intelligence
Like they say, it's an oxymoron.
The photo says it all. Spotted in Florida.
Apparently this person is in Marine Corps Intelligence.
Perhaps someone in the field can explain.
Is there any reason why it's good for intel officers to be widely known?
Don't get vanity plates and you're already ahead of the "how not to" game.
Or whatever game "EASYMOMY" might be. Any idea what that one means?
The photo says it all. Spotted in Florida.
Apparently this person is in Marine Corps Intelligence.
Perhaps someone in the field can explain.
Is there any reason why it's good for intel officers to be widely known?
Don't get vanity plates and you're already ahead of the "how not to" game.
Or whatever game "EASYMOMY" might be. Any idea what that one means?
Sharp Metal things at Head Level
Southern Master was going about his business when suddenly he was struck in the head by a sharp metal object!
An enemy had craftily bolted it at head level right over the workbench!
An enemy had craftily bolted it at head level right over the workbench!
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